One thing I, and many in a similar situation, get accused of more than anything is speaking from a place of hurt. We only talk about the church like we do, and are critical of it’s ways, because we have been hurt in some way. That is why we are so negative about it. The easiest thing to do here is defend our point of view and say that we are not hurt but just saying things as we see them, and that may be true in itself, but looking for a new honesty I have to also ask what is wrong in speaking from a place of hurt? Does that mean everyone who gets hurt has to shut there mouths and stay silent until they are free from hurt? And even then they could not say anything because that would just be the hurt resurfacing. Hurt is part of the human psyche and experience, we wound each other with actions and we wound each other with words. To say we cannot speak out about the situations and establishments that hurt us because of what we carry is ludicrous and a form of silencing the critic. Often hurt draws out of us an honesty that we may otherwise suppress. To keep it all buried is a place of denial and may cause many others to be hurt, to speak out could actually help someone. I cannot be silent about my own journey. I am one of the talking wounded.
Everyone hurts sometime. That is a fact. There is a cry and a voice that needs to be heard in that place. We are so good at sweeping things under the carpet and being in denial because it is not the right thing to do to walk with wounds and admit we are hurt. I have been hurt many times. Hurt, wounded, abused, trod on, misunderstood, accused, talked about, lied about, all with a nice smile to my face and a dagger to my back. People who have been part of the leadership team have smiled at face and hugged me and worshipped with me, and then criticised me behind my back. People I have trusted have turned around and used that trust to force my hand in resignation. Others I have told my deepest secrets to only to turn their backs when things do not go their way. People have sucked the life out of me with their issues while not caring that I was dying inside. I would stand at the front of the congregation at times looking out over a people that loved me in the Lord but hated what I was doing to their church and would rather see the back of me. It got so bad I would hear them without them needing to talk. My insides would churn when I saw them come through the doors of the church. These people have never asked me how I really am and how is my family or work, they would rather criticise me for walking outside the walls and tell me I am in error. Have I been hurt? Yes. Do i carry hurt? Yes. Do I sometimes speak from hurt? You bet I do. But my life is not built on that hurt. It is part of my make up and I do not let it rule me. I walk to love, forgive, embrace those that have hurt me. That is some tough shit sometimes, but I have not sought revenge yet on anybody.
Hurt, a Place of Creativity.
Hurt is an amazingly creative place. Many amazing love songs are not written from a place of being in love, but in being hurt. Hurt and wounds are a part of human relationships. If we have never been hurt we have never truly loved. It can push us out of our confines into a brand new horizon for our lives. We will feel exposed and alone, but we can end up in a direction we never dreamed of, these are often the best directions of life. We end up trying to deal with the issues, some crumble under the weight of it all, but others find a strength outside of themselves. The future of the ekklesia needs those who have been hurt, especially those hurt by the church. Not to tell them to return but to tell them where they find themselves is okay and life can become a patch work of wonder for them once again. From their wounds can spring forth eternal life. From the pain can come words of release. We may find it easy to descend into pity parties but something bigger is going on here. I have been hurt by the church but it does not stop me loving the people that are a part of it. It does not stop me bringing hope to it and as I write words of honesty that says ‘you hurt me, you are wrong, I do not want to be involved too deep with you again.’ Why should people keep running back into the arms of an abuser? It is like that fire will burn me, i will not stick my hands in there again. If you want to that is fine, but do not judge me through your own place of where you sit and what you cope with. With all this admission you probably think I need healing, need to forgive, need counselling. I just need to be free to journey and find my peace. A peace I live in 99% of the time until I run into the old monster again. Then the wounds talk again. The blood cries out. At times it can hurt like heaven.