I have spent so much of my Christian walk trying to get closer to God, trying to get more intimate with Him. I have been taught that the Lord inhabits the praises of His people so if I just worship enough I may just get a glimpse of Him. I may just be allowed to touch the hem of His garment. Mike Bickle taught me to have a passion for Jesus. To be totally head over heels in love with Him. To soak myself in the Song of Solomon, and desire a fiery love affair where I am besotted with Him. This would mean soaking in His presence, soaking in the Word, giving myself to 24/7 worship times and prayer. How could I not want to spend this time in the presence of the One I loved. Tommy Tenney taught me to be a God chaser. That God loves playing hide and seek with us and all we have to do is run after Him and find Him. I have been Toronto’d in Sunderland, Pensacola’d through God TV, sat at the feet of apostles and prophets and the most powerful worship leaders, all drawing me closer to where I needed to be. Like many others I have prayed ‘more Lord’. Hours upon hours upon hours given to stillness in His presence and to waiting upon the Lord. All of this was supposed to create an intimacy so mind blowing that my life would be turned upside down and never be the same again, as long as I followed the latest fad for getting myself into a love affair with my God. The only problem was I felt distant, distracted, unworthy, a failure because I was easily bored, drawn away, taken by other things. I was obviously never passionate enough, intimate enough, hungry or thirsty enough, did not want Him enough. I spent years constantly chasing but never catching. Had I prayed enough, sung enough, read enough, served enough?
It was not until I tried to do the hiding rather than God that I realised I had got things so wrong over all these years. It was not me chasing after God but God had already chased after me. Sitting alone in a hotel room at one of my lowest points, ready to give up on my marriage and pursue my own selfish desires, without any fanfare, angelic appearance or prophetic encounter I suddenly realised one thing, God. The Divine had not given up on me even though I was willing to give up on Him. There was such a sense that the chase was over. We just were. Divinely connected. Part of my D.N.A. Like Jesus I could say, I and the Father are one. Embraced into the breast of a Holy Mother. Total intimacy incarnate in my own flesh and blood. There was no more I could do to connect, there was connection. Being alive, breathing was enough. I did not have to pray anything in or perform religious ceremony, I just had to be. The Divine was being with me. We just were. Our problem is that we have often taken the greatest act of intimacy as being sex. Now sex is great, but sex is always about give and take, it can be done with a complete stranger and can often be about personal gratification. The greatest moment of intimacy is to be able to simply be. Often sitting in silence, sometimes distracted by other things, but secure enough just to be. No demands, no expectations, just sharing each other’s breath. It is always awkward to just be with a stranger, you often feel you have to fill the embarrassing silences with conversation, but an intimate relationship there is total comfort in simply being. Intimacy with the Divine is nothing more or less that just being, existing. I can never be more intimate than I am right now.
Intimacy is not built up through atmospheric worship songs, it is not increased during times of prayer and intercession, it is not encouraged by spending time in His Word. You cannot spend more time with one who indwells your very being, flesh and bone. You cannot say ‘more Lord’ to the one that has withheld nothing from you. There is no more that he can give you than what has already been poured in. You and the Divine are one. The same Spirit that rose Christ from the dead lives in you. Your life embodies everything that He is. Intimacy is nothing more than being alive. Why do we think He withholds from us? Why do we think He hides? What sort of God loves to tease and draw effort from us? The story is never about us getting more ‘Holy’ to fit in with heaven and therefore eternity in His presence. The story was always about Divinity and flesh becoming one. Mankind is simply Divine. I am one with Divinity whether I feel passion or not, whether I speak or am silent, whether I listen to Godfrey Birtill or Black Sabbath, whether I read Rick Joyner or a Lads mag. What I do or don’t do cannot effect my relationship because we are inseparable. I am Him and He is me. Now that is what I call intimacy.